Haaaaaaay Girls!

Mocha Butt

2006-04-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

somehow or another I found this, and it inspired me to write a new pop hip hop rap song, or something... Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mocha Butt

Shawty when you come around it's like an ass latte
a hot shot of caffeine and a pussy pate
blow real soft, taste your cream on my lips
or move real fast with the steam in your hips
put some brown sugar all up your fallopian tube
girl u gonna need ethiopean lube

i wanna sip ya, dip ya, rip ya shit up
let's take a ride girl fill up my cup
mocha butt, mocha butt, gimme a little of that mocha butt
mocha butt, mocha butt, let me suck a little of that mocha butt

::hot girl voice::
oooo let me give you some of my mocha butt
i wanna pour you some of my mocha butt

Is it wrong to call the blind ugly?

2006-03-21T19:11:00.000-08:00

No. Easy as that. If they’re ugly, they’re ugly. You should be able to tell anyone that he’s ugly, even if he fell off of a 90-story building and landed on his face trying to save baby Jesus from another Hamas overnighter. Ugly people are horrible, seriously. But what makes someone ugly? Well in the case of the blind, it’s their eyes. They’re always bopping around, glazed over, or gone. Not hot.

…I’ll see you in hell

If you excrement in mesh, then the product is brown spaghetto.

2006-03-19T22:51:00.001-08:00

I haven't put this theory to the test, but I swear it's possible. One must truly understand the consistency and atomic structure of the subject defecation before exploring the potential of such an Italian delight...

So, let's take a little closer look here. I shall present to you series of scenarios where this theory may or may not hold. Final thoughts shall remain subjective, but I personally feel that I'm working with a 94% confidence interval here, which is no more than one standard deviation from "accurate enough"

The official scenarios...
a) Scenario A
You eat McDonald's. You ate McDonald's yesterday. You ate it last week. And you ate it the week before. And you filled those other days in with Wendy's, Taco Hell, and a few potato chips.

Scenario A results:
You don't shit. It all stays inside of you. If you think to shit, your intestines cry. The intestinal tears bleed copper brown, but yield no solid structure. Thus, in this situation, tomato sauce, but no spaghetti.

b) Scenario B
You just buttfucked 13 gnomes, a double-fisted bull dike, and a coat rack.

Scenario B results:
The only thing coming out of your ass at this point is your entire digestive system. Your love hole is gaping for attention. But, somewhere in there, is the leftovers of mom's turnips. They'll noodle their way through your outer self, and you'll be serving a roman delicacy in no time.

c) Scenario C
You just drank the world's supply of cuervo, then slept 12 hours to let her settle on in.

Scenario C results:
Your life will become scat for the next two weeks. Not only will your fingernails yellow, but your liver will pickle, your mind will rot, and your balloon knot will quiver with panic as you rocket infantile yolky soldiers into your overflushed, paper-rushed repository.

d) Scenario D
You just ate every last bean in Mexico.

Scenario D results:
Your body will implode on itself and you will hate god for inventing the "bocca." Indeed, your mesh will capture every waking moment of your digestive bliss. The net gain here? A little more active than the imodium AD tester bunnies.

e) Scenario E
You starred in a German sheiza video, hooked up with a St Bernard, and found your way into the last scene from Lord of the Rings.

Scenario E results:
uhhh, you act like I know what's supposed to happen here. Let's just assume that the 94% assumes oh-but-so-much uncertainty.

The moral of the story... Rinse and repeat?

Look, it's a new post!

2005-11-17T21:20:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while, and I don't feel like it. So here's my AIM profile instead:

Here we fucking go again - be patient, watch it until she has her baby
http://www.army-of-lovers.com/videos/judgement.wmv

(23:10:27) Aundre: i love rock
(23:10:33) Aundre: r&b
(23:10:43) Aundre: but not really into rape

http://googleblog.blogspot.com/GetLostAndFound.mp3

My new ad campaign:
OOOOO is ERRwhere
inquire for context.

You will fall in love:
http://www.mercora.com/radio.asp

Next time you think YOUR boyfriend was bad:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/105664235.html

My Schedule next semester kicks ASS
http://www4.ncsu.edu/~jrwaltha/schedule.JPG

Oh ... my ... god...
http://www.army-of-lovers.com/videos/crucified.wmv

Put this in your pedafile if you think children are adorable.

This is SO cool - it takes a few minutes to understand what's going on, but if you get it - it's really amazing.
http://www.biomotionlab.ca/Demos/BMLrating.html

http://www.thegreenhead.com/watercooler/2004/07/mirrored-glass-toilet-are-you-brave.php

(15:37:53) Grethel Miranda: whatever
(15:37:56) Grethel Miranda: i have a chance too
(15:37:59) James Walthall: omg
(15:38:00) Grethel Miranda: he says he's bi
(15:38:03) James Walthall: don't you even play
(15:38:10) Grethel Miranda: he is on my computer screen

http://store.yahoo.com/odyssey3d/journeysclip1.html

http://www2.gamesville.lycos.com/html_poke/poke_penguin.htm

http://www.best4web.ch/fun/bacon_n_eggs.html

http://www.depict.org/content/films/2003/relationship_over_320.html

The official Google Tutorial

2005-11-05T08:21:00.000-08:00

You knew this was coming. Here are tons of things you probably didn't know about Google.

calculator and unit conversion
real time currency conversion
definitions
pictures
local search
movies
phone book search
Ask a question, get an answer
UPS tracking
Patent search
Area code maps
stock quotes
maps
airport travel conditions
flight status
weather information
omit keywords
search for synonyms
number range search
require a keyword for search ("+")
RSS aggregator
search inside books
Intellectual paper search, taps into your school
Google ride finder
Google sets
search inside catalogues
paid research answers
Picassa photo software by google
Google Talk instant messaging
search on your desktop
Blogger by google
Google Earth
Gmail
Automated Translation
Google news
Google base
Google Purchases
Google Video
Orkut, Google's friendster service
Froogle Product comparison
Phrase search
Corrected Search
Google Suggest
Google Store
Google Mini
Google Site Maps
Google Code
Google Text Messaging
Hurricane Search
Google OR search
Google Hello
Google APIs
Google JOBS

There's more, but you can figure the rest out on your own :-)

Where can I get one of these?

2005-11-02T20:56:00.000-08:00

Desperate Housewives

2005-10-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

I am going to O.D. on this show. For the past three (3) days, I have been watching each episode from season one. And my brain is sore.

Because each episode requires so much memory, and my brain is basically an outdated chip of RAM that's had time to collect enough dust to emulate the dust bowl of the 1930's

Yes, I'm aware that the show is only a soap opera, and is a mere fabric of some underpaid writers' imagination[s] - but let's face it. There's just too much happening on Wisteria lane, and I can't juggle the drama of an entire season in three days. I'm afraid that life itself will transform into this fanatical fiction, and suddenly my own neighbors will be digging graves under their insect-infected kitchen sinks. Perhaps I just need to lay off the caffeine, which is highly possible, but the truth is this: this show is A-OK.

So bring it on. Give us more Johns, Gabriels, and irrationally sensible Brees. Give us more drama, backstabbing, murder, disgust, and pity. Give us, oh give us - give us lord our daily bread. Life is becoming drab after these three eventful days. I think I need some action.

See you all this weekend!

The Hobos of Raleigh

2005-10-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

This is a post I made on craigslist
--

This one goes out to the many crazies I have met this year in Raleigh...

You see, it's not easy being crazy. But I think the best of the crazies are here. Hell, I might even be one of them some day.

To the radish-head hobo on Western Blvd..
Thank you, Joseph. I know your name is Joseph, though you still don't remember mine. Nor do you remember that I don't carry cash, since you continue to ask for change after I leave Bojangle's... and you know I'm lying too, because Bojangles doesn't take cards. But I have to say, of all of the hobos, I would be most proud to give you a quarter. I want to thank you for the years of amusement you have provided me. You see, I drive down Western almost every day, and you are always there. It's sort of like where's waldo, except - it's where's radish head. I call you radish head because of that awkard crazy rastafarian hair of yours. You are a devoted hobo. You stand your ground, or sometimes you lay on it. And sometimes you're on your hands and knees with torn clothes, barking at the ground (or are you yelling at it). It's always great to see you attack people at Subway. I'll be sad when you O.D. because you are truely a wonderful hobo.

To John, the overbegger
I know you hate me. I know you hate the world. It's not very nice to sit outside of Starbucks and watch you go by, ignoring your request for a handout. But, if I remember, the last time my friend gave you a handout, you called her a "fucking bitch", because she only gave you $0.50. Thanks. What's better, watching you walk out of Shanghai Express, listening to you gripe. "They gave me white rice. I HATE white rice" - very nice John. If someone gives you a handout, don't hate. Beggers need not be choosers.

To the singing pizza hut man
Thank you. I have never been in situation like the one you put me in. I remember, sitting with my friends, then you come in. You're not much of a singer, mysterious pizza hut man. And it sounded like the only word you said in your song was "chicken"... besides those cacophonous high-pitched mumbles. I know you were singing to distract people while you swiped tips from the tables, but you need to realize that in order to distract someone from you, you should draw attention AWAY from you, and not towards. In either case, I do appreciate the song, and the dance was cute too. Was the tip enough to cover your rock?

To "Puddin"
I should have known you were a hooker. I should have known... But it was fun anyways. I was stressed out studying for my exam, and wanted a late night snack. So I go to Taco Bell, roll down my window, and wait to order. Then I meet you. You ask for me to order (or was it "yo can you orda fo me"). I said sure, and then you got in my car. Damn damn damn, why didn't I lock that door. Thank you for scaring me. I really thought I might die, but then again, at least I wouldn't have to take my exams. But you don't kill me. And you even pay for your own food. I didn't appreciate you asking me to take you home, I didn't feel safe doing it. But, I was bored, so I did. And you still didn't kill me. Well puddin, I'm happy that you didn't kill me, and I am happy for your gay brother and all your crazy stories. Thank you for giving me your number, puddin. Of course, I'll call you Cassandra, even if you want me to call you puddin. And no, I don't have a dollar.

To all the hobos in Raleigh, thank you. You have made my life so much more entertaining. You have done things for me that no one else can do.

Please, if you think you can beat these stories, and you're a hobo - bring it on! I always love crazy scary run-ins. Just, please don't kill me. And I don't have cash, so if you accept credit, then I'll be happy to give you a handout, and I'll even pay your transaction fees.

Controlling your life is caulking your tub

2005-10-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

An introspective discussion was had betwixt my GIRLFRIEND Shanthony and me the other day, and we concluded that you can’t control your life until your bathtub is sealed. I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say – if you ensure your bath tub has proper sealant, everything else in your life will just fall in place. So, go get your caulking today, and get ready to achieve your dreams.

Let's make viral marketing more literal

2005-10-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

I love marketing. I love it a lot. And I think one of the most successful forms of marketing is viral marketing. What is viral marketing? It’s essentially the online version of “word-of-mouth” marketing. You use other people’s resources to advertise – if you have a good enough product, it’ll happen on its own. The term viral marketing came about because it’s pretty damned analogous to a virus or parasite. You’re basically using someone else’s web pages, email servers, or whatever else to get your name out there. They do it on their own accord.

But, I don’t see why we can’t make it a little more exciting. Think about this… real viral marketing! Imagine, putting your brand on the most popular viruses:

“Mr. Thomason, I’m afraid you have AIDS, brought to you by SunCom Wireless™”
“Gosh Bobby, looks like those chickens got a case of the Coca-Cola bursal disease”

These people will hear your name EVERY day, and you don’t have to do anything. And think about it, it makes financial sense not to donate to research preventing these diseases. So not only do you get free advertising, but you also have a legitimate business reason not to donate to non-beneficial charities. So you can invest your cash in “helping the poor” by providing labor camps. Man, everything has a value (we can discuss in a future post).

Become Republican

2005-10-14T16:45:00.000-07:00

Speaks for itself...

That pizza stain makes your shirt look designer

2005-10-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I thought of this idea for a coffee table book. A book of things that people may say meaning to help or compliment someone, but they come out as the exact opposite. Where did I get this motivation? I’m the king of saying things the wrong way. I really do have good intentions with some of what I say, but I swear I can never get it quite right. Here are a few examples of possible entries … with the right illustrations, this could be pretty good!

Oh those shoes look so good on you! I could never pull off my fat ankles like that.
There, there… it’s not so bad. You might get lucky and die
Congratulations on the new arrival, when are you expecting? [I’m not pregnant]
Oh that’s my favorite perfume, my ex used to wear that after sex.
I really enjoy having conversations with uninformed people. It makes me feel like I understand the whole perspective.
I love abstract art! [That’s not abstract. That’s a portrait of my mother]
You decorate sooo well. Who knew someone cold pull off shabby-sheik?
You’re really organized, I find it amazing that you can juggle so many boyfriends and keep a full time job.
It’s not your fault that people don’t like you. No one is compatible enough with you.
Aw don’t cry, people die every day.

Supersize Me

2005-10-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

I’m addicted to fat. I’m addicted to caffeine. I’m also an alcoholic, and if I could gamble easily, I would be addicted to that as well. I’m addicted to just about every vice around except crack, and don’t tempt me there. I eat fast food WAY too long. Just about every time I talk to my superficial girlfriend Shanthony, which is about once or more a day, I’m in some line at fast food. But, now I have an excuse: Monopo-tea. McDonald’s is doing their annual Monopoly game, and they’re also doing a $0.75 for a large tea promotion – which means – 2 game pieces for $0.75! But it gets even better. They have an online version of the game, and each piece contains codes to play online. So, that’s 4 game pieces for $0.75! You’re not convinced? Well, it just so happens that I’ve already won 75 prints from Snapfish, which I used for cool SanFran photos (I'm the one in the Armani Exchange t-shirt and Dolce sweater, who looks like he has AIDS in every fucking picture he is in). And I also won a free McFlurry.

I may be 2,321 pounds next time you see me, but I’ll have more game pieces than you. And in my book, that’s like you drawing scissors when I pull out a rock.

The future of the vocational

2005-10-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

So this past Thursday I pulled a Bush. That is, I did something stupid. I locked my keys in my car. Big deal you say? Well not really but it did make the night interesting. You see, I didn’t have a spare key here in Raleigh, and AAA (not to be confused with AA) terms had ended so I was pretty much screwed. Better yet, my roomie was out of town, so I really was screwed. Oh, and it was raining. And it was cold. And whine whine wine, mmm.

I called a locksmith and they pretty much told me that they’d hook it up for $60. I reluctantly agreed and waited around. Pretty soon I got bored so I partially stripped and played in the rain. Well eventually the locksmith showed up, but I was pretty surprised at what I got.

This cute lady in her mid-twenties shows up in a 2004 Infiniti G35 (my personal car-of-choice), pops her trunk, and gets all these little gadgets out. The lady wore this fancy little blouse, hot pants, and satin shoes. Top-to-bottom she was just fabulous. “Is that your car” – she asks. “Yea”… “Shit, if I’d have known it was an Infiniti I wouldn’t have come. Those things are impossible to crack.” But I didn’t care, she was already there, and I figured we could spend some quality time together. So I stand back, let her do her thing, and eventually she cracks it open. In the midst of doing all this, she managed to tell me about her 4 businesses, how wonderful and successful she is, and how her shoes would be ruined. I know, it’s like – my feminine equal. Well, my equal. So I invited her up for martinis o’er a bottle of goose and told her not to worry about the shoes, that the $60 would pay for at lease one of their replacements. Well that was pretty much the night .. 8 shots of cuervo later, I was calling up an old friend in D.C. spouting lord-knows-what over the line.

A little thought here though … why are you showing up in high heels for a vocational job? Better yet, why are you a locksmith? If you're so successful, one would think that a locksmith would be outside of your "career path." Who knows, but I was impressed. Locksmith Jamie (yea her name was Jamie), you are still my heroine, only without the O.D.

Side thought... it's about fucking time:

Chortles, chuckles, and cackles oh my!

2005-10-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

Next time someone accuses you of chortling, you better be offended. I suppose we need to investigate my claim here…

Let’s start by looking at what a chortle really is. Is it just a hefty laugh? I think not. A chortle is much more than that. Not just anyone can chortle. Only those with the proper balance of phlegm and air outflow can do a justified chortle. A chortle sounds something like “hoyk hoit hoi oi [out of breath] hooohhh.” And it usually ends up in a light sweat or sometimes a heart attack. So, who chortles? The fatties. That’s right, all of them. They have that uncanny ability to muster a chortle at even the lamest of funny things. I know, I know … that’s mean James and very undemocratic of you. Well it’s true. Next time you’re sitting behind a two-seater on the bus, crack a joke. The following are typically the most popular attributes of a chortle:

1) The aforementioned buttery “hoyk hoi” is a dead giveaway

2) A swift and noticeable shift in the earth’s centripetal motion caused by rampant momentum of the subject’s limbs flailing uncontrollably

3) The smell of burned Crisco poisoning the air

4) “Somebody call a medic!” is screamed 30 seconds or less from the moment at which the telling of your joke has completed.

So that’s a chortle. How do you tell a chortle apart from a chuckle, cackle, quack, or cluck? Simple… a chuckle is much like a snicker, it means the joke wasn’t funny but good job for wasting my time (I seem to hear these a lot). A cackle is a hideous artificial laugh typically exerted most by money grubbers or idolizers/wannabes. They’re a good indicator that “your joke wasn’t funny, but I still want in your pants.” Everything else is pretty much a rendition of different levels of chortles, chuckles, and cackles.

Love is a lease

2005-10-10T15:18:00.000-07:00

I like to think of love and friendship as more of a contract than, well … love and friendship. I know what you’re thinking, that’s so James of you. Well, hear me out.

Another twisted sample of James logic.

Just what is love? (and don’t go all Phil Collins on me here, I’m easy lover’ed out)

To me, love is a lease. You see, when you decide to love someone, you shouldn’t be naïve to think that love is forever. Otherwise, there would be no divorce, there would be no spousal murders, and there would probably be more sex, with the right people (instead the neighbor and his wife’s secret boyfriend, mmm).

Think about that beautiful home that you moved into for the first time. How happy and proud you felt to have a place of your own, and how much you just loved the neighborhood. Then remember when you met the neighbor, their loud music, the mold in the bathroom, and the peeping tom. Bet you weren’t in love anymore.

That’s where love comes in. Love is a lot like a lease. Give yourself a day, a week, hell if it’s good enough maybe even a month. Then, when it comes time for the lease to expire, you get to decide if you want to renew it or not. Most of the time, you’d rather cut your own eyes out over renewing your love lease, but if you’re up for the self-detriment, pity, guilt, jealousy, annoyance, and commitment … then you’re ready to renew your lease. But be careful, just like lengthy cell phone contracts, you should be weary of making your lease for TOO long. There are always penalties for early cancellation. Take this idea and apply it to friendship also, it seems to be just as fitting. That reminds me, crystal just renewed our friendship lease. I think I have to sign something.

Jesus and Cleanliness

2005-10-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

So tonight my roommate talked to me about some cleanliness concerns he had. Particularly, I don’t pick up after myself sometimes. I leave clothes lying out, or cups sitting out, lights on, doors unlocked – our doors are always open to you. (Sometimes even ajar … talk about southern hospitality) I immediately pulled out my defense guns and started pointing out hypocrisies, as I’m so good at doing (re: summer). It’s interesting though, because sometimes I feel like I should just suck it up and give in. But it’s so hard to do! This is where I slack a little and resort to religion to figuring things out for me. If Jesus were in my position, what would Jesus do?

Well, ladies and gentlemen … what WOULD Jesus do?

I plan on proving this by contradiction.

Some lemma:

Jesus is God’s son.
Jesus knows everything
Jesus is kind, loving, and would not do things with bad intent.

Proof.

- Assume a Jesus “J” gives in.

- Then J realizes that by giving in, since J knows everything, J knows that not cleaning up after himself would cause some sort of problem.

- But J does not do things with bad intent by lemma 3, else J is not a Jesus.

- Contradiction.

So, what would he do? He would not give in. Now we take it a step further. Next time a person asks me “What would Jesus do?” – I’m going to throw something like this in their face.

Well, what did I do? We sat down and figured out what we needed to do to make sure things would go more smoothly. Then we were fixed…

This won't last

2005-10-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

So I decided to give this annoying blog thing a try, mostly to piss Shanthony off by forcing her to read it. I don't really know what I should talk about, nor do I care.

I suppose I can start by copying and pasting my current AIM profile here, that'll give you something to read.

Here:
Google owns all of these domains:
http://blog.searchenginewatch.com/blog/txt/google_dom.html

Very interesting...
http://raleigh.craigslist.org/rnr/102956689.html

My type of drinking game!

If I drew a graph of everyone I've [...], and then drew connections to everyone they've [...], I would have a virtually complete graph

I know someone who will become this lady:
http://denver.craigslist.org/about/best/por/96326584.html

I have an interview with Microsoft (and I didn't even apply!)
It's not Google, but it's likely to be fun... And I have a feeling they're making some cool new toys that I could play with.
Welcome to the runaround, again.